Wedding Etiquette by Heather Dwight of Calluna Events
The list of dos and don’ts for weddings can be many pages long. Heather Dwight, owner of the wedding and event planning company Calluna Events shares some wedding etiquette advice in this month’s issue.
Question 1: Do the Bride’s parents still pay for the wedding?
Heather Dwight: That depends! With most of our couples’ weddings, the bride’s parents do still pay a significant portion if not all of the wedding expenses. However, we are seeing more and more of our couples paying for some or all of the wedding themselves as well as the groom’s family contributing as well. Traditionally the groom’s parents host the rehearsal dinner and any groom or groomsmen related expenses.
Question 2: We are planning our wedding and want a big ceremony but a smaller reception. Is it ok to invite some people to the ceremony but not the reception?
HD: In my opinion, if they are attending the ceremony they should be invited to the reception. It would be in poor taste to invite them to the ceremony only. The way around this would be to cut down on your guest count so you could invite your guests to attend both. We have seen cases where couples have opted for a smaller more intimate family-only ceremony followed by a larger reception.
Question 3: My best friend has asked me to be a bridesmaid but I am too busy with a high-powered job and two kids to take on all of the responsibilities. What is a good way of kindly turning down the offer without offending her?
HD: Let her know as soon as possible and in a kind and honest way. If you can’t attend due to your job and family responsibilities let her know the exact reason, but offer other ways to assist during the planning process that you could do. Try to break the news in person if you are able and follow up with ways you can support from afar.
Question 4: Am I supposed to bring a gift to an engagement party?
HD: Engagement party gifts are nice but not required. If you do want to bring something to congratulate the couple, a nice card, a bottle of wine or a bouquet of flowers would be perfect. However, if you do want to splurge a bit more, think of something sentimental the couple can share as they embark on the new lives together – a picture frame, a holiday ornament, a plant, a champagne glass set with a bottle of champagne are all great ideas!
Question 5: What are my duties as a bridesmaid?
HD: If you’re not the Maid of Honor but a bridesmaid your role is to offer support to the bride and the Maid of Honor. Supporting the bride through hosting the bridal shower and bachelorette. Come up with great ideas for games, décor, and fun locations for the shower together. In addition to the pre-wedding celebrations, bridesmaids attend the wedding and typically help the bride get ready. They are usually asked to wear dresses the bride picks out and to sometimes invest in hair, makeup or other accessories. This varies from wedding to wedding.
Question 6: Who should host the Bridal Shower?
HD: Often times the Shower is hosted by the Maid of Honor or the bridesmaids, however, it’s also common for the Brides Mom, sister, or Aunts to host as well. It used to not be customary for the bride’s family to host since it was viewed as tacky to have the family request gifts. Now, however, the brides’ family is often very involved if not hosting the shower.
Question 7: As a guest, can I post photos from the wedding to my personal social media accounts?
HD: I would double-check with the couple but most couples are ok with this as it shares their love and their day! I would refrain from actively taking photos during the ceremony or intimate moments where the couple may not want them captured. Also, don’t post guests doing anything inappropriate (i.e. photos of drunk guests). If possible be sure to tag any vendors in the post such as the wedding planner, florist, caterer, venue as it gives those who worked so hard on the wedding some love and credit.
Question 8: How long after my wedding do I have to send a thank-you note to guests?
HD: A good rule of thumb is to try to send thank you notes immediately after receiving your gifts so that the note writing doesn’t back up. However, technically etiquette says you have three months from the wedding to write the thank you notes. That said if you are receiving gifts after the wedding you have time from the date of receiving the gift. The best rule we can offer is to write notes as the gifts come in so you aren’t overwhelmed with note writing after the wedding.
Question 9: How can we ask our guests not to take photos during the ceremony?
HD: Place a tasteful sign at the entry to the ceremony site or ask your officiant to request guests to refrain from taking photos during the ceremony at the start of the ceremony. Sometimes we even have the officiant do this prior to the processional starting.
Question 10: I do not like my mom’s new boyfriend. Can I ask her politely not to bring him as her guest to my wedding? He also does not get along with my Dad.
HD: I think this would warrant a conversation with your Mom prior, about your concerns and how she feels about the situation. This is a delicate one to have for both sides – it’s obviously your wedding and if Mom is assisting with payment she may feel entitled to bring a guest. However with any family dynamic empathetic communication is always the best plan of action. Perhaps letting her know your feelings in a kind way you may find that she had already come to this conclusion herself. If however she still insists, figure out her reasoning. She many feel most comfortable, especially if your Dad is also bringing a date. Try to talk through it in a way that factors in everyone’s feelings. In the end, hopefully, everyone will honor the two of you and be on their best behavior to celebrate. If in the end, if everyone attends there are ways to keep the peace as well as keep everyone as separate as possible.
Question 11: Is it ok for us not to have kids at our wedding? What’s a good way of letting guests know?
HD: Having an adults-only wedding is perfectly acceptable. It is most appropriate to indicate this on the outer envelope of the invitations. If it’s just the parents (adults) it would be addressed to Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. If kids are invited their names would be included or “and Family” would be written. However many people don’t follow this etiquette so indicating on your wedding website and/or a phone call to anyone with small children would be indicated to ensure they understand. Putting verbiage on your wedding website that the ceremony and reception are adults-only is appropriate.
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