Falling Out of Bad Love by Brandan Rader
BRANDAN RADER is a behavioral psychologist, entrepreneur, elite matchmaker, date coach, relationship coach, and TV personality. His mission is to help people find romantic love and discover self-love using strategic lifestyle consulting through his consulting firm, B. Eternal Consulting LLC. In this issue, Brandan gives advice on falling out of bad love. He was photographed on Detroit Street in Cherry Creek.
PHOTOGRAPHED BY ESTHER LEE LEACH
Do you feel that? It’s time for a change. It’s time to let that which no longer serves your higher-self fall to the wayside. It’s time for a new season! And I’m not just referring to autumn. I’m talking about the change we all are yearning for after a tumultuous spring and summer.
As a matchmaker and lifestyle consultant, I notice a lot of platitudes advertised. You know, “Fall in Love” or “Fall into a New You.” Cute huh? But, falling into something new and amazing often requires shedding a few bad habits. As a psychologist with a background in habit formation, I teach my clients how to curate the lifestyle they desire by strategically shifting their goals into habits and replace those bad habits that have become pitfalls.
A phenomenon I observe in singles and non-singles alike is what I call, “bad love habits.” Bad love habits are automatic (or semi-automatic) behaviors that are prompted by relational cues. You might be pondering, “what makes them bad?” I use the word “bad” to mean behaviors that do not promote a healthy relationship dynamic (e.g., interruptions, eye-rolling, not responding, snide comments, not making eye contact, self-centered conversation, etc.). Relational cues are interactions with people that trigger the behavior often without a conscious effort (that’s what makes it a habit). For example, have you ever conversed with someone only to unintentionally make a disgruntled face when they utter something you find distasteful? Has anyone ever expressed they felt upset with something you said or did only to be on the receiving end of a snide riposte and you wish you would have responded differently? Now, these could merely be sporadic occurrences, or they could be bad love habits (or the making of).
So, how do you identify and shed bad love habits? It starts with a two-step process.
Step 1: You must identify the behavior and relational cue (obviously). The best approach is to listen to those closest to you. Do your nearest and dearest tell you that you’re always on your phone or that you never listen? Reflect on some of the arguments you’ve had with past lovers, can you identify a recurring catalyst? For example, I have a bad love habit of not responding to my partner when he makes small talk (I deplore small talk). Consequently, when he returns home from work and mentions the weather, I enter into conversation comatose (which isn’t considerate). I was unaware of this habit until he brought it to my attention, even then I assumed he was being too sensitive. It wasn’t until we were lunching with my mother and she also highlighted this behavior that I realized it had become a bad love habit.
Step 2: You must insert a preferable behavior into the habit loop. This often requires having other people point out when you engage in the bad love habit (it can be friends, family, colleagues, or someone you’re dating). Shedding a bad love habit requires more effort because habits can’t simply be broken, they must be replaced. In my scenario, I decided that the more preferable behavior would simply be to respond. So, early in my day, I muse about the weather (e.g., it’s scorching, it’s dry, it’s perfect weather for a walk, etc.). That way I have a simple response prepared when someone mentions the weather. Similarly, I developed simple one-liners I can use for common small talk.
The key is to identify common—but often insidious—behaviors that are not conducive to healthy happy relationships. Identifying these behaviors can help you shed bad love habits or prevent them from developing in the first place. And falling out of bad love habits will ensure you fall into healthy relationships.
Brandan Rader: @heart.rader // Facebook: @BradanRader // Beternal.net